Two Identities (guest devotion)
Between Two Identities
(guest writer: Anthony Cooksey)
There is a struggle in my soul. A struggle for identity. Who am I? And how do I reconcile how I feel, with who Christ says I am; with what his death and resurrection transformed me into? I am a man torn between two realities. I am somewhere along the journey between a redeemed sinner and an adopted son.
Redeemed Sinner
The filth and degeneracy of my past is so fresh in my mind. The hell that was waiting for me and that I deserve, is a clear and painfully evident picture. I am a kindred spirit of the tax collector that Jesus spoke of in Luke chapter 18. In comparison to the Pharisee who was standing in front of others and praying aloud, in order to exalt himself, the tax collector “would not so much as raise his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying ‘God be merciful to me a sinner!” He had so much reverence for the Father and a recognition of the weight of his sins. He knew what he was. He had looked his sin straight in the face and knew that it made him un-worthy. He could not lift his eyes. He beat on his chest. This emotion is heavy; it is weighty, and it should be. He is warring against his sin and knows that he cannot defeat his nature. That but for mercy, he will be doomed for eternity. So, he pleads with the Father. I never want to forget. I never want to get comfortable or confident in who I am. I must remember; remember the darkness, the despair and misery. I love remembering the darkness because it makes the light in which I now walk, all the brighter, all the more piercing. The fresh knowledge of my sin keeps me in the posture of the tax collector: bended knee, eyes low, chest heaving, fist beating.
Adopted Son
While I recognize what grace has saved me from, what does it bring me into? What does the act of Christ’s death on the cross and His resurrection from the grave do for me? What does it mean for me to be an adopted son of the Most High? I am now a son of the creator of the universe and an heir to a thrown that in unfathomable. Romans 8:15-17 “for you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, “Abba, Father.” The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs-heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him, that we may also be glorified together.” I wrestle with this. I don’t understand. I am unworthy, but I was made worthy; undeserving, yet justified. I cheapen that gift of grace by not living in my “son-ship.” However, I still struggle with God wanting to bless me. I still strain against the idea that the gifts I give to my children, pale in comparison to the gifts God desires to give me (Matthew 7:11). My past had made me pessimistic to what my future holds, but Christ has changed all of that. He has purchased my life; purchased my future. He has given me a new hope to walk in. New vision in which I now see everything.
In conclusion, I think in the middle, I shall remain. I must continually be cautious of not giving my past, present and future sin, ownership over my life, because it has been forgiven. I should remember but I cannot dwell. I should not forget, but I cannot allow my negative self-image to cloud how God now sees me. Additionally, I must look out for the pharisee that I could become. The arrogant, self-aggrandizing poser that some have elevated themselves to be. The ONLY thing that justifies me, that makes me an heir, is Christ. The only way I am redeemed and adopted is His grace.
“Thus, the true Christian is one who can adopt the expressive and emphatic language of Paul, ‘I live.’ Amplifying the words, he can exclaim, ‘I live-as a quickened soul. I live- as a regenerate soul. I live- as a pardoned sinner. I live- as a justified sinner. I live- as an adopted child. I live- as an heir of glory. I live, and I never lived before! My whole existence until now has been but as a blank. I never truly, really lived, until I died.” -
Octavious Winslow